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At each annual event, players receive
a commemorative sleeve of "LOST IN THE WOODS" golf balls.
The players also find,
within those sleeves, paper inserts that contain a bit of golf humor. Here are examples of that humor :
(-: 2013 - Golf Tips The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to
make the shot, and always hit the do-over first. Always
limp with the same leg for the whole round. There
are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands
you have, and which one is wearing the glove. Whatever
you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right. A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away. No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. 2013
- Golf Slang Bo Derek - Score of 10 Hockey Stick - Score 7 Captain
Kirk - A shot going where no man has gone before. Klingons - Pieces of dirt left on
the club after taking a divot. Moonwalk - Backspin Ozzy Osborne - A shot so far out of bounds you have no bleeping idea where the ball is! Jimmy Hoffa - A ball that is never to be seen again. 2013 - Golf Truisms If your ball disappears in the fairway of a blind hole, it’s probably because it rolled
into an anti-divot and vaporized. Hazards
attract; fairways repel. If there is a
ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
2012 - Golf Tips
3 Universal Golf Truths for the Beginner
: (1) You don’t need quarters for the ball washers; (2) the carts make funny noise when you put them in reverse; and
(3) the little pencils are free.
The Grip - Always hold the club at the thin end where that length of rubber stuff
is, not the end that has that curvy metal thing with the number on it.
The Four Forbidden Words of Golf one should
never ever utter on a golf course: “That’s not my ball.”
The Stance - Address the ball, square up
the club and look straight down. You should see two feet. If you don’t see any feet, or only one foot, or three or more
feet, you need to work on your stance.
It is important to not think during the swing. You must never forget not to
think. You can’t just forget not to think; you must remember not to remember to think and you must not remember that
you forgot to think.
One foolproof way to knock at least six strokes off your score is to skip the last hole.
The
only things one can really count on aren’t in the bag at all:
The Five-Fingered Iron - When your ball is in a
footprint in a bunker, or deep in the woods, there is never “too much right hand”.
Golf Shoes - When your
ball is stymied or sitting down in a rotten lie, you will really need to “lace it.”
The #2 Wooden Pencil
– One carefully executed stroke of this graphite-filled beauty can knock five strokes off your score.
A Funny
Golf Story - I was about to play a round of golf with a few friends. I’d stuck a few new Titleists in my pocket, and
I was headed for the practice green to try out a new putter, when a member of my foursome came up to me and asked, “What’s
that in your pocket?” “Golf balls,” I replied, a little puzzled by the question. “Golf balls,”
he replied, as if giving the matter a good deal of thought. “Tell me,” he said finally, “is that anything
like tennis elbow?”
(-:
2011 - Golf Thoughts
The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to make the shot,
and always hit the do-over first.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of
three.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion
that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf as knowing the temperature
of the grass in the fairway.
If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting
out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway
there.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
2010 - Golf Facts and Quotes
“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long
walks and hitting things with a stick.” – P.J. O’Rourke
“The hardest shot is a mashie at 90 yards from the green,
where the ball has to be played against an oak tree, bounces back into a sandtrap, hits a stone, bounces on the green, and
then rolls into the cup. The shot is so difficult I have only made it once.” – Zeppo Marx
Did you know Columbus went around the world in 1492? That’s
not that many strokes when you consider the distance!
“I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having
a terrible time getting out of them.” – Harry Toscano
“I played golf with a guy who cheated so badly that he once
had a hole-in-one and he wrote down 0 on the score card.” – Bob Brue
Golf is great exercise, especially climbing in and out of the cart.
“I’m allergic to grass. Hey, it could be worse. I could
be allergic to beer.” – Greg Norman
“The most difficult shot in golf? I find it to be the
hole-in-one.” – Groucho Marx
Bumper Sticker – If you don’t like the way I drive,
you ought to see me putt!
‘Put’ means to place a thing where you want it.
‘Putt’ means a usually vain attempt to do the same thing.
“My putting is so bad that I could putt it off a tabletop
and leave it short, halfway down a leg.” – J.C. Snead
One duffer is so bad that he has an unplayable lie when he tees
it up.
“If
you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong ball.” – Jack Lemmon
(-:
2009 - Golf Quotations
“There is no shape nor size of body, no awkwardness nor ungainliness, which puts good
golf beyond reach. There are good golfers with spectacles, with one eye, with one leg, even with one arm. In golf, where there is life there is hope.” – Sir Walter Simpson
Excessive golfing dwarfs the intellect. Nor is
this to be wondered at when we consider that the more fatuously vacant the mind is, the better for play. It has been observed that absolute idiots play the steadiest.” – Sir Walter Simpson
“Golf has drawbacks. It is possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind.” –
Sir Walter Simpson
“Golf is the only game where the worst player gets the best of it. He obtains more out of it as regards both exercise and enjoyment, for the good player gets worried over
the slightest mistake, whereas the poor player makes too many mistakes to worry over them.” – David Lloyd George
“My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.” – Lord Robertson
“In golf, humiliations are the essence of the game.” – Alistair Cooke
“If your adversary is badly bunkered, there is no rule against your standing over him
and counting his strokes aloud, with increasing gusto as their numbers mount; but it will be a wise precaution to arm yourself
with the niblick before doing so, so as to meet him on equal terms.” – Horace Hutchinson
“Golf is the only game in which a precise knowledge of the rules can earn one a reputation
for bad sportsmanship.” – Patrick Campbell
“Sometimes he thinks it’s all in the hands, and then in the shoulders, and even
in the knees. If you thought about merely walking down the street the way you
think about golf you’d wind up falling off the curb.” – John Updike
“The next time you see a good player stalking backwards and forwards on the green, do
not be led away by the idea that he is especially painstaking, but rather pity him for a nervous individual who is putting
off the evil moment as long as he possibly can.” – Ted Ray
(-:
2008 - Golf T-Shirts and Bumper Stickers
I Golf, Therefore I Am
Work Is For People That Don't Know How To Golf
They'll Take My Golf When They Pry It From My Cold, Dead Fingers
My Other Car Is A Golf Cart
Make Golf, Not War
I Have Not Yet Begun To Golf
To Golf Or Not To Golf; That
Is The Question
Golf 'Til You Drop
If At First You Don't Succeed - Golf, Golf Again
Same Golf Time, Same Golf Channel
Ashes To Ashes, Golf To Golf
Give Me Golf Or Give Me Death
I Find Your Lack Of Golf Disturbing
May The Golf Be With You
To Boldly Golf Where No One Has
Golfed Before
United We Golf
Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut, Sometimes You Golf
I Had A Life, Now I Golf
Coffee, Tea, Or Golf?
Let There Be Golf
Give Golf A Chance
If You're Golfing And You Know It Bang Your Head
Golf: It Keeps People Like Me Off The Streets
Golf, Sadistically Satisfying
'Tis Better To Have Golfed And Lost, Than To
Have Never Golfed At All
I Golf In Your General Direction
If You Can't Annoy Somebody, There's Little Point In Golfing
Golfing: Wasting Time Has Never Felt So Productive
That Which Does Not Kill Us, Makes Us Better Golfers
Have You Had Your Golf Today?
Forget The Seals. Save Par!
I Drink 'Cause I Golf; I Golf 'Cause I Drink.
90% Of All Short Putts Don't Go In The Hole
(-:
2007 - Golf vs Common Sports
The following is written not to offend baseball, basketball, football or soccer fans.
It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play golf
go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
These truisms may shed light:
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being
honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they
play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel
between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of
another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on
which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them
up.
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football
League does in two.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including
the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around
$300 or more.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the
world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.
If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options - get rid of it or leave.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best
baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand
and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't
hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a
baseball.
(-:
2007 - The Bum
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,
"If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will
you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the
money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said,
"Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked
by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably
smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking,
gambling, and golf."
(-:
2007 - Here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.
Why
do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen?
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one
of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one
shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.
Now you know.
(-:
2007 - Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
David Letterman
#10 - A below par performance is considered
good.
#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8 - It's much
easier to find the sweet spot.
#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.
#6 - You can still make money doing it
as a senior.
#5 - Three times a day is possible.
#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it
with someone else.
#3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
#2 - You don't have to cuddle
with your partner when you're finished,
and best of all................
#1 - If your equipment gets
old and rusty, you can replace it.
(-:
2007 - Generic Golf Instruction
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Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please … while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Well done! Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
(-:
2006 - Secrets Of Great Golf
A reporter was interviewing Jack
Nicklaus.
He said, "Jack, you are spectacular,
your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes
are numbered!"
(-:
2006 - The 10 Commandments Of Golf
THOU SHALT NOT covet thy neighbors
putter.
THOU SHALT NOT pick up lost balls
before they stop rolling.
THOU SHALT NOT wager with those
who carry a one-iron.
THOU SHALT NOT play "inside the
leather" with a 52" putter.
THOU SHALT NOT build thy house of
handicap with sand bags.
THOU SHALT NOT worship St. Mulligan,
except on the 1st tee.
THOU SHALT NOT imitate a stunt driver
in a golf cart.
THOU SHALL yell "Fore!" before the
body hits the ground.
THOU SHALL restrict profanity on
the course to 3-putting or worse.
THOU SHALL throw thy clubs in non-lethal
directions.
(-:
2006 - Top Golf Books
The Old Man and the Tee
Lord of the Pings
(-:
2006 - Uniquely Golf Golf is the only major professional sport …
… where the scores are kept
by fellow competitors, not officials.
… where players penalize themselves.
… where aging players
have their own "senior" league, in which they can
still compete and make millions.
… where more than one ball
is being played at the same time.
… where each player has a
servant to carry their equipment.
… that cannot be played indoors
(or in a stadium).
… where a 14-yr-old
girl can play alongside a 54-yr-old man in an official
competition (Michelle Wie, Tom Kite, 2004 Sony Open).
… that is sometimes played
in the woods.
… where a fan can be ejected
for taking a photo.
… that has been interrupted
by an alligator.
… that has a pro-am format,
allowing fans to play alongside pros.
… where a player can play
an entire season and make no money at all.
… where the lowest score wins.
… whose rule book includes
the word "dung".
… where an equal playing field
is not guaranteed. One player can play in sunshine with no wind, another in a howling rainstorm.
… that has no regulation-size
playing field.
… that has a predetermined
score (par) against which all players are measured.
… where fans are allowed on
the playing field.
… where a fan watching the
play at home can call and get a
player disqualified.
… that has been played on
the moon.
(-:
2006 - Golf Facts
The putting stroke accounts for
about 43% of all strokes made.
‘89 PGA Study: Touring pros
make only 54.8% of their 6-ft putts.
More people die playing golf than
any other sport. Leading causes: heart attacks and … "strokes".
(-:
2006 - Curious Rules
If an opponent asks how many strokes
you’ve taken on a hole, you must tell the truth.
If wind or an earthquake knocks
your ball off the tee after you’ve addressed it, it counts as a stroke under an "acts of God" rule.
It’s against the rules to
ask for advice from anyone but your caddie or partner. You also can’t give advice, solicited or not.
(-:
2006 - Several men are in the locker room of a golf club ...
A cell phone on a bench rings and
a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops
to listen:
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you
at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and
found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like
it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped b! y the
Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I
want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more
thing ... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give
them an offer of $900,00! They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good
price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!
I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men
in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape...
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone
know who this phone belongs to?"
(-:
2005 - Golf Quotes
The other day I broke 70. That's
a lot of clubs. Henny Youngman
I was playing golf. I swung, missed
the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants
climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!" HY
My psychiatrist prescribed a game
of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time. Bruce Lansky
We learn so many things from golf;
how to suffer, for instance. BL
The only thing in my bag that works
is the bug spray. BL
I used to go to the driving range
to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to the range to practice slicing without swearing. BL
If you drink don't
drive. Don't even putt. Dean Martin
I’ve had a good day when I
don't fall out of the cart. Buddy Hackett
If you don't succeed at first, don't
despair. Remember, it takes time to learn to play golf; most players spend their entire lifetime finding out about the game
before they give up. Stephen Baker
In golf I'm one under --- one under
a tree, one under a rock, and one under a bush. Gerry Cheevers
The reason the pro tells you to
keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. Phyllis Diller
"If you think it's hard to meet
new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." Jack Lemmon
The reason they call it 'golf' is
that all the other four-letter words were used up. Leslie Nielson
In primitive society, when native
tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. Anonymous
I have a tip that can take 5 strokes
off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. Arnold Palmer
I had a wonderful experience on
the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot. Don Adams
I play in the low 80's. If it's
any hotter than that, I won't play. Joe E. Louis
Why am I using a new putter? Because
the last one didn’t float too well. Craig Stadler
It's still good sportsmanship to
not pick up lost balls while they are still rolling. Mark Twain
Through years of experience I have
found that air offers less resistance than dirt. Jack Nicklaus on why he tees his ball high.
I’ll shoot my age if I have
to live to be 105. Bob Hope
If profanity had an influence on
the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. Horace G. Hutchinson
I’ll always remember the day
I broke 90. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the backside. BL
(-:
2004 - You know you're a bad golfer if ...
You consider a good round one in
which you lost only half-a-dozen balls.
More than once, you have attempted
to return a club because "somehow it snapped."
You have old, gnarly golf balls in your bag specifically to be used
for over water shots.
You refer to your driver as the "Big Dog" but hit it like a little puppy.
You "prefer"
to hit an iron off every tee.
You can remember the one good shot you had all day.
You buy balata balls to
"get that extra 10 yards."
You are told "you're still away" more than twice on the same green.
You "crush
every shot" at the practice range but can't get one more than 10 feet off the ground on the course.
Your ball retriever
is the most often used piece of equipment in your bag.
You and your group have rules for taking Mulligans.
You have more than the regulation
14 clubs in your bag, including two putters.
Your playing partners use the term
"nice lag" to describe your putts that never reach the hole.
You need a sand-blaster to remove the dirt from your
clubs from taking divots.
You blame everything and everyone except yourself for a bad shot.
A huge sigh of
relief occurs when you are chosen as the last one to tee off at the first hole.
You buy cheap golf balls because you
know you will end up losing most of them.
You think changing clubs will improve your game.
You get excited
over a deep ball mark created in the green by your approach shot.
You leave the flag in on an eight-foot chip shot
from the fringe in hopes of having it stop your ball.
You feel an undue amount of pressure when teeing off with people
watching and always end up hitting a bad shot.
You have more than three logo balls in your bag and none make a matching
set.
You constantly leave yourself further from the hole after a chip shot.
You have thought to yourself that
if you hole out from 140 yards, you can still make bogey.
(-:
2004 - The Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last
shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend
over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf ever
will almost immediately be followed by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people
you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are
water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater
its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off
of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer
to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap,
the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the
world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most
painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't,
how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out
of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your
group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football
player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same
"sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing
of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be
translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most
hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of
a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up
at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf
course shall be valid only until the sunset.
(-:
END
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